Posted in personal

A Chapter In My Life

A positive was all it took

A positive that took forever to appear

It meant, with all of our hope

That all of our dreams will eventually appear.

We told close family about the news

And we were all so very amazed

So imagine the horror when one day

Those dreams turned into a haze.

It took so long to find my place on this earth

And pressure built inside

To not feel left out or defective and it was something I really wanted

But still, for months, I cried.

We saw you when you were alive

And were told everything was OK

Then planning a future with you in it

Simply seemed the natural way.

No tests were performed or assumptions made

It was very much just ‘one of those things’

I’m not the only woman on the planet

Yet seeing success stories, much heartache it did bring.

A reminder that nature will do whatever it needs to continue the human race

Was something I didn’t care for when I didn’t get to see my first child’s face.

The hurt will always stay

It defines my everyday thinking

The emotional turmoil,

The black hole you are in, that drowning feeling, sinking.

It hurts to look to the future

When life can be taken away in a flash

The hope and my child inside was barely just

My head and heart didn’t want to crash.

To protect myself and my husband

I wished and wasted a lot of time away

An empty shell I became

My mind didn’t want to work or play.

Time became the priority

It consumed my life

The goal was simple enough

To once again create another life.

The uncertainty of the future

Put fear in me I never knew

For no one told me it would never happen

So the hope, though very slight, helped me through.

You were always very much wanted

And there are days when I think of what could have been

To see the positive and then hope, joy and happiness diminish

Was something I could not have predicted or seen.

My mind and body, I concluded

Needed a reboot and a fresh start

If it can happen so easily to others

It can to me, with the effort and strength from my mind and heart.

A long time of not feeling like myself

However I still had to carry on

Feeling anxious about people who knew

A positive outlook, I felt, had gone.

A mask was put on

I was expected to get over it

But deep down I wanted the whole world to disappear

Not one person, except my husband, did I want to be around, not one bit.

To help cope with depression and grief we adopted two cats

They gave my life purpose and meaning

I felt like I could move on

Yet still, I kept on dreaming.

A good chapter of my life has been dedicated to becoming a parent

What do we do if it doesn’t happen to us?

It fed the fears, the tears, my peers

Could not understand the fuss.

I am a very big dreamer

But realistically I know life is hard

Put your mind and strength to it

And rise above all your dud cards.

I am an introvert by nature

I’m not easy or naturally social to be around

I do not feel others need to be told

All of the things that get me down.

Though I do not speak much

That does not mean I don’t hurt

Or have feelings where I disagree with you

For me, this is how I work.

My story is simple

I have pains, some secret, some not

Wanting something so badly and not being able to get it as easily as expected

Was the journey my life did then plot.