Well here it goes. I love to write, I love writing silly stories, much of which tend to have a start but fail to complete so I have lots of projects on the go but not the momentum or the motivation to keep at it. I have been like this for 10+ years and it has come to a point where something needs to be done about it. Something always gets in the way, mostly intentional, some accidental but writing tends to be at the bottom of the pile when it comes to ‘me time’.
I am a mum of 4 cutchy coos, 2 cats, 2 children (hoping to expand on that though) and I do not have any long lasting desires to follow any dreams and I want that thinking to change. Hence this blog. I tend to battle between being a mummy, a wife and a daughter and don’t put any consideration into being a human being!
I think it was the odd teacher at school/college/university where I felt encouraged and like I could achieve anything but those days are long gone. I find that one of the biggest loopholes in education is that there is no learning how to self-motivate, you either want to do something or you don’t and this is something I need to work on.
I am currently a stay at home mum with intentions of returning to work once my youngest is in school but my husband says, quite rightly, that I will never be happy in a job because I am never truly following my dreams and passions. I have worked in retail, in catering, in computers – so lots of customer service roles and I have always seen them a stop gaps, from the moment of being hired. But how can they be stop gaps if there is no long-term plan?
Home life is fantastic; it can be hectic and stressful but to think of life without my cutchy coos leaves me without purpose. The downside of being a stay at home mum is that I see everything that is wrong with my house. I like making home life aesthetically pleasing as possible. The sacrifice of living off one wage is taking it’s toll on me. I can’t afford the things I want for my children, husband, cats or house and it is frustrating. I feel there is a need to express, and work on, this frustration and the aim is to feel content writing blog content!
Before quitting my job I was on good money, where that money went is a mystery, like I said I never followed any passions and I don’t have hobbies. It probably went on take-aways and clothes. If I had a time machine I’d go and tell my younger self to save every penny earnt so there’d be something to show for it years down the line. The only thing I can show for it presently, is regret, frustration and some forehead wrinkles.
I would love a bigger house and am at the point of wanting to return to work just to make that happen. It would be the last house move I would make and yet more sacrifices would be made to get that going. That sacrifice is happiness. Happiness in a job. I either return to computer related work and get a damn good salary OR I can try and follow a dream and see where that gets me.
So here I am.
Day 1 of my blog. I am trying to make myself feel a bit more fulfilled in life, instead of talking about dreams and instead making that first big step into being a human. I am going to blog about my book writing. The process, the output, the brainstorming, if I can log it then it means I’m working on something. It is funny though. I am someone who likes to see the job through properly, like washing clothes for example. I can’t just wash, dry and put away, I must iron too. What is the point of having nice clothes if they look scruffy on? So I go out of my way most evenings ironing, why can’t I apply this thinking into writing? Why must I start it but never have a desire to finish?
…let’s see what I can do next.
Tan M Butler 